Person Who Has Internet Access with a Blog
I used to have a blog but I haven’t posted anything in two and a half years. For most of that time I felt that I had let it go too long and if I returned it’d be like contacting an acquaintance from long ago only to ask for a favor. When I originally started this blog back in January of 2012, I had this idea that I could write a new flash fiction piece everyday about a person with a not-so-super power. I’d put them in everyday situations where the use of their specialty would be comical and write short stories about them in different styles. I was motivated for a couple weeks and posted a few to the blog. But a post everyday became overwhelming.
I then started posting other flash fiction pieces that had nothing to do with mundane super powers that may have been based on different writing prompts from various people or websites. But for some reason that didn’t last long.
Towards the end of my first attempt at this blog, I prayed to the writing gods to harness the power of travel writing and posted a few pieces about a backpacking trip I’d taken with my wife through Europe. Then I ran out of money and couldn’t travel anymore which meant I couldn’t write about traveling.
The blog faded. But I still thought about it a lot. I lacked ideas. I lacked motivation. In the meantime I worked on some manuscripts: a couple children’s picture books and a piece that blends elements of memoir and fiction. And I complained a lot. I complained about everything. From my current crappy job to my crappy job before that, from shoelaces and shirt buttons to terrible television shows. I once tortured my wife with a thirty minute rant after I saw a promo for a show called Dog with a Blog. Seriously, that exists. It might be on the Disney Channel. It might be a decent program for kids. I don’t know, I’ve never seen it. But the fact that it exists, the fact that a human being walked into a meeting, any meeting, and said, “Dog with a Blog,” makes my heart hurt. It makes my athletes foot flare up and itch for days. It makes the disc between my C2 and C3 vertebrae herniate and push on surrounding nerve endings causing me the most intense #10 frowny face pain. It makes me feel the same when I heard that Taco Bell’s Cap’n Crunch Delights is a thing.
The show might be good. Don’t judge a book by its cover, I guess. Maybe it’s up there with Breaking Bad and The Wire. Maybe the show uses the same technique that is featured at the end of Doogie Howser, MD episodes. Maybe the animal writer is loosely based on the Sex and the City character, Carrie Bradshaw, and the show features the same obnoxious narration during scene transitions like, “And while Scruffles was chewing on his bone, Rosie had a bone to pick with Fluffikins,” or, “And while Tippy was licking his wounds, Rumper was actually licking his wounds,” or “while in the dog house, Blooper wondered how long Trickles would keep him in the dog house.” I’ll never know if the show is like that, though, because I will judge that show based on its title.
But I thought, if Disney could make a show on a simple premise of rhyming words and give a dog a blog, why the hell did I stop writing blog posts? I went through all the excuses. I don’t have time. Having a two year old daughter, a full time job, and being married to someone with a full time job does not leave a lot of spare time. But who says you have to post something everyday? Most things I write are not to my satisfaction upon review a short time after writing them. If you don’t write consistently, how do you expect to get better? I’m not inspired and my dream-crushing job sucks the creativity and imagination out of me. Why let a job determine who you are as an individual? But I felt all these issues weren’t getting to my underlying problem that led to not writing.
Then I came across something written by a brave and talented writer, Viga Boland, who runs a writer’s group and literary magazine called Memiorabilia. In one of the issues of the magazine, she writes about the “Inner Critic” as being an obstacle for writing. She suggests writing a letter to one’s Inner Critic and basically telling it to piss off. So I did. I wrote offensively. It was brutal and derogatory. I’d probably be committed if anyone got their hands on it. I’m not even sure how my Inner Critic has “a dimple-dick for a best friend,” but he is an absolute jerk for thinking that my time would be better spent “watching Dog with a Blog while eating Taco Bell’s Cap’n Crunch Delights” instead of writing.
I felt much better after writing to my Inner Critic. And in time I thought, maybe a show about a dog that wears eyeglasses and writes a blog isn’t such a terrible idea. Perhaps at the very least it’s better than whatever I’ll post on this grand and vast internet.
But if that dog can do it, even in a fictional sense, then so can I.